I often had discussions with a very close Christian friend of mine about her views and beliefs, I would always argue the non-believer side of things, and I never thought I would believe it any other way. Until a night spent questioning another close friend, after his decision to suddenly become a christian. While talking I began to see cracks in my own thinking instead of his. Over the next week I couldn't get those thoughts out of my head, and I couldn't understand why those beliefs I had so firmly built were starting to crack and crumble.
After a few days I went to church with both friends to try and understand more of the sudden uncertainty I was feeling. The first day at church blew me away, it overwhelmed me and completely knocked me sideways. I had a lot going on in my life at that time.. a relationship I wanted to work out hadn't, I'd just got back from 5months of being in other countries, my family were all away, and I just felt lost- not knowing where I should be headed next.
During worship I was looking round at these people reaching their hands into the air, and was just taken aback by the passion and energy in the music and worship. I stood, not singing and just watching, and I couldn't help but think they all had something I didn't. In this time I couldn't shake the feeling and thought that something needed to change in my life. This thought kept coming and coming...I couldn't work out where it had come from because until I realised it was true I had thought everything was fine...It was so clear, almost as if someone was speaking to me saying, something needs to change in your life and there will be someone to show you what...
worship ended and we sat down...all the while I was thinking what needs to change then? and who's going to tell me? I seemed in a sudden state of confusion...and all from just hearing a couple songs and seeing people jump up and down?! ...really?!
The pastor Gary then came onto the stage to give a preach, focused on the last week of the Freedoms' 'DNA series'. About half way through Gary started speaking about change! We all needed change in our life, guidance and how to do it...It was like someone was going into my head and then giving me the exact answer to all that I was thinking, through the preach... I put this down to a big coincidence!
The end of the talk came and the pastor told us all to bow our heads and as he gave the chance to anyone who hadn't got Jesus in their life, to just raise there hand and make that first step to say 'Jesus here I am'. I held my hands tightly together making sure they didn't even raise an inch!...My heart was just pounding, I thought it was going to beat right out of my chest, it was a feeling like I was just about to get arrested or something really big was about to happen. I was convincing myself that in a minute the prayer would be over and I could get the heck out of there!... But I suddenly became very aware that Gary's prayer was speaking to me. I knew it was impossible but I just got this strange feeling that he was looking directly into my thoughts and hearing my heart beat at 100miles per hour. ...I then convinced myself I was being paranoid and stupid! ...Until he said 'there's a young lady in here, maybe theres a lot going on or she's scared of making a change but I just sense that she is struggling and holding back from saying, here am I'. This boiling flush ran over me and I'm sure if anyone could have seen my cheeks they would have been the colour of tomatoes. But still I kept my hands firmly placed in my lap.
At the end of the prayer I turned to my friend and said something along the lines of 'get me out of here'! She walked with me out of the building and we sat down in some small park place, where I sat down and burst into tears. I didn't really know why I was crying, but felt very overwhelmed -it was like everything had been shaken and turned upside-down. Once we'd talked and I'd calmed down we walked back inside, after getting some water and speaking to a few people I thought it was all over and I could just relax and go home saying that the day was an experience. But no. Again I was knocked sideways, just when I thought I could stand straight on solid ground...I was asked if I would like to speak to Gary! I was torn a big part of me wanted to say "no, I've heard enough today.", but that part of me lost because deep inside I think I was desperate to talk to him. And so the things that I had convinced myself were coincidences or paranoia seemed very much the opposite, the one thing I was desperate that they wouldn't be... the truth. Gary was able to tell me everything that I was dealing with at that time, he mentioned the relationship that hadn't worked out, and things that I only knew myself... it really was as if he had jumped inside my mind and heart and picked out things, some of which I hadn't even realised I was thinking. And at the end he just said, "God knows what you're going through and He wants you to know, He loves you." I always thought this was a load of rubbish when I heard people say it. But after the events of the day I wasn't shocked to find that I didn't stand there thinking- this guy is an airy fairy lovey christian, instead I stood there completely touched and moved at those words, "He loves you" and "He wants you to know that He loves you". I guess after everything that had happened that day, the truth in those words seemed to far outweigh the explanation of extreme coinsidence and guess work.
The next couple of weeks I went across to Ireland and my family also returned, I was still unsure and doubtful yet I couldn't stop thinking about it. So the following week I went to the church for my second visit, this time I decided to go against all my fears, my reservations, my doubt and instead run with my heart...I raised my hand.
Its been about 8months since then, I can't say its all been easy and a piece of cake, but I can say its worth every minute! Because of going to church and finding God, having faith, I got my life back on track, everything just seemed to focus and suddenly I not only didn't feel lost, but I knew exactly where I was. I scrapped plans of not going to uni and travelling more, instead I was completely happy and content with heading up to huddersfield, and everything felt right again. I said at the top of this blog, I wasn't someone who needed drastic change in my life, yet my life has changed a lot. I'm still me and that won't ever change, but I'm filled with even more happiness, confidence, contentment and love- more than I could imagine. Everyday is a new exciting journey with God, and the old me can't believe I'm saying that, but believe the new me it's true!!
God shows you the way when your lost, He knows exactly who you are inside and He loves you when other people might not. He's close to the broken hearted-becuase sometimes thats the only way you can open up or look for the possibility that there is truth to Him and that He does love YOU. So all that I would say to anyone reading this, is... just be open to the possibility that God could be the answer... take a small jump of faith, because you might just land on solid ground!
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